Transformers! Not much more than meets the eyes. (spoilers)

Let me preface this review by being open and honest. I grew up with the original toys, none of the Beast Wars or Armada garbage, I mean old school G1. I still have an original Optimus Prime sitting up on my bookcase, big trailer and everything. Those Transformers, as well as GI Joes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will always conjure up images of playing with friends, back in the day when it was possible to do anything if you had an action figure and an imagination.

Nostalgia can be a powerful force. Experiences from our childhoods can conjure up powerful forces in us; make us remember what it was like to not have to worry about all the responsibilities that have come with growing older. Life was simpler as a child, the smallest things could bring us joy, and the items that connect us back to memories of those days can serve as powerful artifacts indeed.

Nostalgia can also cause us to do some pretty stupid things too. Like giving Michael Bay 150 million dollars in a week.

Again I'll be perfectly honest; I went to this film only because of the name. If I had seen advertisements for a film directed by Michael Bay about giant fighting robots that come to wage their war on earth called "Super Mega Fighters X6000" I would have laughed my ass off and stayed at home, saving myself the six dollars ticket cost (I'm just glad I found a theater that was under eight bucks…), but because it was Transformers, and nostalgia being as I described above, I shelled out the money, much to my eternal shame.

I have a bias against Michael Bay; I won't try to hide that. The man is a hack. Plain and simple, there's no other way to describe him. His directing style has not evolved since the days when he did music videos, and every movie he does plainly illustrates his 'style over substance' method. Now I'm not going to say I hated everything movie he's done, because that's not true, he has made a couple of movies that were entertaining. But that's all they were, entertaining. He has never made a movie I would consider good cinema, and that fact continues with the crap fest that was Transformers.

The movie opens with an Optimus Prime monologue that immediately left me scratching my head in puzzlement. Apparently there's a cube… like a Borg ship from Star Trek or something? Only it's like a God cube… and it created life on the Transformer home world? The Allspark they called it, which to me sounded like a brand of spark plugs I might buy at Auto Zone rather than an all powerful life giving entity. So this cube crashes to earth following the titanic battle between the Autobots and Decepticons cause they both want the Allspark for their own ends, though the Autobots apparently have noble ends for it, which of course goes without saying right?

Head forward into the future and now we're on earth, at an army base in Qatar. The base is like any other base in the Middle East except Tyrese and Josh Duhamel are there! Sweet! I read somewhere that Michael Bay was able to get funding from the U.S. Army for this film. I'm not sure why they'd agree to it since they just end up looking REALLY bad when an evil robot disguised as a previously shot down helicopter shows up and demolishes the army base. Plus if Tyrese and Josh Duhamel are the best we can muster in this day and age then I am worried indeed. So the Decepticon, Blackout, goes on a rampage launching Michael Bay explosions and shockwaves across the screen while still finding time to hack into the super top secret mainframe the military just happens to keep on a makeshift army base. Blackout ultimately fails though, as the hard line is cut before he has a chance to finish wading his way through the top secret plans for invading Iran, Sweden, or Canada.

Now at this point we cross an ocean to start what I like to think of as movie B. It’s important to understand that there are in fact three different movies going on at the same time within this film, with only the most peripheral of connections to each other until they are train wrecked together at the tail end. Movie B is the bulk of the film and deals with Shia LaBeouf, as Sam Witwicky, wanting to get into Meghan Fox’s, as Mikaela Banes, 21 year old high school junior size 00 pants. There are some other plot details that are supposed to be important, like the fact that he’s the grandson of a famous explorer who went crazy after finding an iceman that later turns out to be Megatron, but mostly it’s a chance for Michael Bay to put Meghan Fox in skimpy clothing to distract from the already mind numbing pain this film was inflicting on me.

Anyhow, Sam’s dad ends up buying him a beat up old Camaro from Bernie Mac, playing… well playing Bernie Mac essentially. It of course turns out the car is an Autobot, the first hint we get of them a good half an hour into the movie. At this point the viewer better hold onto his hat! It’s time for another transition! Back to movie A?

Nope! Now we’re taken to Washington D.C. to the pentagon, the ground zero for plotline C, and the most insipid of all three. This one involves hackers! And Jon Voight! Seriously, I didn’t get what an accomplished actor like Jon Voight was doing in this film… but hey even Voight gots ta get paid right? Ugh. So once more there’s a sexy woman, only instead of being a high schooler of legal drinking age she’s a super tech signal analyst! And she’s the only one who can crack the code to figure out who or what attacked the base at Qatar right? Well, not exactly, but with the help of the big guy from Kangaroo Jack she’ll get close… at least before they’re arrested.

You know what? Just trying to relive this movie enough in my head to fully review it scene by scene is causing me to just have nasty flashbacks. If I keep this up I’ll have nightmares of ugly CGI and John Turturro being ‘lubricated’ on. So let me just do a quick cap here. Eventually it’s revealed that Sam’s grandpappy’s glasses have a map to the Allspark etched into them, so that’s why everyone wants to get at Sam, only the glasses are completely unnecessary as everyone finds their way to the cube eventually, which It turns out is housed under the Hoover Dam, the same place they’re storing a frozen Megatron they’ve moved from the north pole. Eventually all the good guys and all the bad guys meet up and you can tell the stage is being set for a robotic showdown of epic proportions. Of course it would be boring if the finale took place in an isolated area like the Hoover Dam, so everyone flies or drives off to the city where they can all do some real damage, and give Michael Bay a chance to have more attractive women show up in small cameos. The movie ends predictably enough, with Optimus Prime prepared to sacrifice himself to destroy the Allspark only to have Sam turn and destroy Megatron instead. Oh yeah, much better idea huh Prime? Meanwhile all the major characters survive for the next craptastic sequel. Even Megatron is still alive; though I’m sure we’re supposed to think it was the end of him. Ugh whatever. I’m getting indigestion just remembering this stuff.

Even with all the things I’m willing to forgive because I’m seeing my childhood come to life on the big screen this movie was still awful. People have tried to defend it by claiming that it was meant to be, a cheesy film with great action. First off there’s a line between cheesy and just plain stupid, and this movie was so far over on the stupid side that the line wasn’t even visible anymore. Bay, in his attempts to juggle the light-hearted fun of the original transformers, the classic good versus evil nature of an action movie, and the coming of age story between Sam and Mikaela, fails on every account. The scene in which the Autobots try to hide from Sam’s parents was a prime example of how badly written this movie was. Optimus Prime trampling mom’s flower gardens and saying lines like “my bad” were just painful to watch.

Secondly, and perhaps an even bigger flaw in this movie, the action scenes were too few and far between, and the majority of them were so derivative that I was groaning in boredom by the climactic fight scene at the end of the movie. There was very little variety in the fights, the robots would either tackle and punch at each other or they would launch rockets. Plus the design of the transformers made it very hard to follow the action during some of the scenes. It would often simply look as if there were just big balls of metal parts rolling across the ground, no clue who was on top, who was getting the advantage over the other until the fight was just as suddenly over. People have hailed this as one of the most amazing action films they’ve ever seen, but for the most part I was disappointed. If Bay was going to screw up the story, which everyone knew he would, he could have at least made sure the action came often enough, and was riveting enough, to distract from his poor character development, but alas it was not to be.

All in all this movie did not disappoint me, because I went into the theater knowing I was going to be frustrated with the end result of the film. I knew with Michael Bay behind the helm the Transformers would end up feeling like a two and half hour music video commercial for GMC, and it did. Do I regret having seen it in theaters? Absolutely, but with the Transformers name in the title I had to go, the little kid inside of me wouldn’t have let me sit this one out. Still I got off better than my friend who, despite my numerous reassurances that Michael Bay would turn this into another pile of garbage, went into the theater expecting a truly thrilling cinematic ride and came out cursing the name of Michael Bay. But if this film has taught me anything it’s that I should do everything in my power to purchase the rights to a GI Joe movie, because as long as the name is up there it doesn’t matter what type of film I make, I’ll pull down nine figures easy.

28 Weeks Later... I'll still be regretting seeing this film ZING! (spoilers)

Have you ever had a craving for something, like a specific food, say like ice cream? And you get real excited cause all your friends are really interested in having some ice cream with you and you know the perfect place to get some, cause it's cheap and you've had the ice cream before and know it's some of the best ice cream you've had that year. Only then you get to the place and they say 'Oh sorry we stopped serving ice cream yesterday, now all we have is pudding.' And you're heartbroken, but I mean, pudding is close enough to ice cream right? It'll still be delicious right? So you pick up the spoon and take a bite... AND IT'S NOT PUDDING AT ALL BUT A BIG 'OL PILE OF.... well you see where I'm going with this.

Did I lose anyone yet? Better question might be is anyone still with me? Allow me to explain. The other night myself, my wife and a couple of my chums (is it still ok to use that word?) decided we were going to go see a movie at one of the cheap theaters, you know the ones where you can get a ticket, beer, pizza and popcorn for the cost of a single soda at a normal theater. Anyhow, I knew 300 was playing at this particular theater and was eager to see it again, especially with beer involved (believe me, I was planning on going in only a loincloth and just screaming SPARTA!! through the whole movie, or at least until I was tossed out). Only once we arrived, imagine my sadness when I learned 300 had run it's last night at that theater the day before. Still, having driven all that way we decided to stay for a different showing.

28 Weeks Later immediately caught my eye, I hadn't been particularly impressed with the previews I'd seen to want to see it in its initial run, but I was a fan of the original and for three dollars I couldn't go wrong.... right? Oh but I was just about to learn how mistaken I could be...

28 Weeks Later is the much anticipated sequel to 28 Days Later, the horror/thriller/OMGFUXTHATGUYJUSTTOTALLYGOTHISFACEEATEN directed by Danny Boyle of Trainspotting fame and set in Britain after the outbreak of a virus that turns people into very very angry Olympic sprinters. In the sequel the disease has died down as the victims starve to death and the American military has moved in to help rebuild London, police the areas that still might be contaminated and generally just look tough with their guns.

If the first ten minutes of this movie are any indication I was going to be wetting myself for the rest of the film, as the first scene manages to capture the horror and drama of the original film perfectly. It's a brilliantly shot scene too, starting in the darkness of the small farmhouse, one believes it to be the dead of night as the house is dimly lit by candles, no light coming from the boarded up doors and windows. A sense of despair and hopelessness infuses the viewer, realizing the horrible plight these poor people have found themselves in. Then the cries of a small child are heard, fleeing from those infected with the Rage virus and the viewer realizes it is not the dead of night at all, but the middle of the afternoon. Someone screws up as is usually the case in these situations and nearly everyone dies, including the little boy, a fact I applaud (I have nothing against small children, but when a film maker is willing to challenge certain conventions we expect from a movie I'm pleased). Anyhow, one of the main characters leaves his wife to die, fleeing to save himself a move even he knows is cowardly. Thus ends the first scene giving me hope that this movie would rock my proverbial socks off.

Alas it was not to be as the rest of the movie slid down the toilet right before my eyes. 28 weeks pass and we are told that an American led NATO force has secured part of London and they're moving people back in. Really? After only 28 weeks? Hmm alright I guess I'll let this one slide.Anyhow, as if in apology for letting that little kid die earlier, we are introduced to two other children and I immediately cringed as I realized these would probably be main characters. Children as main characters in horror movies always survive. Always. Maybe the older one would die, but it would be in some heart touching manner to save her little brother or whatever. Still it did not bode well for the film at all.

So it turns out these children are the kids of the man who tucked tail and ran while his wife and the others were savagely killed at the beginning of the film. The first thing he does is immediately lie to his children about the circumstances of their mother's death, practically GUARANTEEING his horrific death later in the film. Then there's some sad boohooing by the little kid about how he's going to forget what his mom looks like, at which point the older sister suggests they sneak out of the quarantine zone and get a picture of her from their home in London. What? Really? Okkkk..

Anyhow, they sneak across a bridge but are spotted by a sniper in the middle, who we've already been introduced to as 'American Soldier' character. Nothing really special about him, other than he has a friend who flies a helicopter!! WHOOOAA!! So he radios in these kids are sneaking across the bridge, yet the kids still have time to walk halfway across London, steal moped keys off a dead guy, get to their house, find their mom still alive but completely bonkers before the military guys can show up to gather them up. Yeap that's right, mommy is still alive. Apparently she's a special person, someone who can carry the virus but not be infected by it. You know, like that monkey in Out Break, or like Carrot Top. But I digress. They bring the mom back to the protected area of London where the medical woman talks the military command out of just killing the woman (Thanks a lot!) so they can study her and find a cure. Wait... who needs a cure? Everyone infected is supposed to be dead right? Why take the chance? It's from this point on the movie just becomes completely ridiculous.

One thing you have to understand about 28 Weeks Later is that it relies very heavily on us, the viewer, believing that if a stupid decision could have been made by someone, it was made. No one does the smart thing, not a single person. You have to believe that would possibly happen in order for the rest of the movie to make any sense. I couldn't, and so I just felt insulted by the direction the movie went. Here's where it all went wrong for me. They leave the mom unguarded. This allows guilt ridden dad to get to her, because for whatever reason he has a go anywhere passcard that works on even the most sensitive and secret of military installations. Guilty dad then kisses her and whoops! Saliva causes him to go crazy and kill mom in a very nasty way. Seriously, my wife had to close her eyes, it was quite brutal. Now the infection is loose! Oh noes! But not to worry, the American led force knew it was a possibly and must have a contingency plan in place right? They sure do! It involves pulling people out of the safety of their apartment homes and herding them into one large basement, locking the door and then letting the infected dad find the unlocked backdoor and infect EVERYONE!! Hot dog! I love it when a plan comes together!

From there the movie becomes largely formulaic. The sniper from before is told to kill anyone as they might be infected and he decides that's not something he feels like doing so he helps the medical officer and the two kids escape. Oh yeah and it turns out the little boy is like his mom, he can carry the virus but not be infected by it. Anyway things just get worse for them as the sniper is killed by his own troops, by a flamethrower no less, and the medical officer and children have to dodge a helicopter trying to blow up their car, cause clearly the fact that they're driving is a sign they are infected... Oh and to make matters worse infected dad keeps showing up everywhere like he's tracking his brood... siiiigh patience gentle viewer, it'll be over soon enough.

The medical officer dies shortly after the 'taut' and 'thrilling' helicopter scene, beat to death in a scene that pays homage to a much better movie that employed nightvision, Silence of the Lambs. And it turns out that the infected who killed her was none other than the kid's Dad! He then proceeds to bite his son and get killed by his daugther. All in all not the best day for the man. Oh yeah and the medical officer dies without telling either of the kids that the little boy is probably carrying the virus like his mom was. Way to go good guys. So they escape on the copter of the friend of the now crispy sniper to France where the movie ends with us seeing a horde of infected rushing towards the Eiffel tower 28 days later.... You know a movie is bad when the sight of France overrun by disease ridden not-zombies can't bring me any joy.

All in all I found this movie to be plain insulting. The fact that you are expected to believe so many people would make so many stupid decisions to make the movie works just train wrecks it for me. Sure you could argue that in a horrible situation like that people wouldn't be thinking straight, that panic takes over, but that still doesn't account for the dozens of things the director, not Danny Boyle this time by the way, expects you to accept so the film can work. It is impossible to feel any sympathy towards any of these characters because they all make decisions that just lead every problem in the movie as well as prolonging it. In the end 28 Weeks Later is a poor sequel to a movie that was a breath of fresh air for the horror industry. Juan Carlos Fresnadillo and Danny Boyle, you should be ashamed and you owe me three dollars!!

Not THE beginning.. but definitely a beginning.

So here it is, the first posting in what I hope will be a long line in my new weblog (or blog as the hip cats are calling it these days). I've had mild success with blogging before, though my attention usually wanders away from it before I have time to fully flesh anything out. I'm hoping this will not be the case with this blog, as I am quite passionate about the subject matter for which I am writing. Movies have always been an integral part of my life. When I was younger I dreamed of being involved in movies, in between my wishes to be an astronaut ninja cowboy firefighter of course. They were just the pipe dreams of a younger child, ones I never followed up on, but hopefully this blog will allow me, in the most rudimentary sense of course, to feel like I'm involved in what many perceive as the most glamarous industry in America.

I can't take full credit for my idea to start this blog, it was actually suggested to me by a coworker of mine, someone who I have constant discussions with about the dribble and wonders Hollywood releases for our viewing pleasure. And of course I have to thank my wife, for always encouraging me to write, even if I often feel I'm long winded and boring when I do. Here's hoping anyone reading this doesn't feel the same way. And of course the final bit of thanks has to go to the industry itself, to Hollywood and the independent film makers toiling to create wonders and horrors, works of sheer genius and well.. Michael Bay films. But even if the standards of what passes for entertainment seem to be dropping every year, we still must praise the men and women who devote countless hours to seeing their vision come to life.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so." If you know where I'm ripping that quote off from, good for you, otherwise you're missing out on a very good film.

With that said, AWAY WE GO!


Oh and just a warning for future posts..... SPOILER ALERT!!!!